


Lessons of Strength

by MercurialNight



Category: P4 - Fandom, Persona 4, Persona4, persona - Fandom
Genre: Altered Mental States, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Comatose, Comfort, Death?? Maybe???? LAter??????, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Compromised, Family, Friendship, Gen, Hospitalization, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Illnesses, Injury, Low Self-Worth, Male Friendship, Mental Instability, Panic Attacks, Persona 4 Spoilers, Physical hurt/comfort, Psychological Trauma, Psychological stress, Sacrifice, Self-Destruction, Self-Sacrifice, Violence, Work In Progress, im sorry???, physical injury
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-26
Updated: 2017-08-26
Packaged: 2018-12-20 00:06:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11909073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MercurialNight/pseuds/MercurialNight
Summary: Souji had grasped the concept self sacrifice very easily. What he had never mastered was the other side of that coin: self preservation. But he had done everything he was supposed to. Inaba had electrocuted his inert heart and his friends had given him life. So he had given everything of himself to remain the leader they needed, the strength that caught them when they fell.It could not be that strength which killed them."You told me I was a good leader. Don't worry. I'm going to be."(Some of the team lose their Personas and Souji loses some sanity.)





	Lessons of Strength

From the moment he was old enough to understand, his father had taught him what it meant to be strong. He was a leader in a successful company, and always had a set of ideals that guided him in living up to the task. In situations when he demonstrated these principles, he would stop, turn to his son, and look him in the eyes as he recited a phrase that always began with "The strong..."

For example:

_Kanji's outstretched hand remained empty, trembling, his urgent call rippling through the fog like rings on a pond. The lack of an answer rang firm and frigid._

The strong always keep a level head, even when things don't go according to plan.

_The tense, void seconds ticked into higher numbers and neither Tarot card nor Persona appeared. Kanji drew his hand in closer, stared at it, enraged to stave off terror. "What the hell...?"_

The strong understand and bolster the weaknesses of those they lead.

_Kanji began to swing his weapon up to block, far too late. The shadow plowed him into the ground, driving a heavy cloven hoof into his chest and a pained, breathless cry from his lungs. It was seconds later that Izanagi severed that creature into three pieces._

He always made a point to remind Souji that a man of principles must strive to put the needs of others before his own whenever possible. Self preservation was important, but it should not come at a greater cost to others than would be the benefit to onesself.

_From his right came an outcry and a series of florid curses that could only come from Chie. He whipped around to immediately cast out a wave of fire from Jack's lantern, sweeping away the giant birds that were intent on flaying her skin away. Chie stifled a sob as she curled in on herself. He heard betrayal in her quiet whine for "Tomoe..."_

Souji had grasped the concept self sacrifice very easily. What he had never mastered was the other side of that coin: self preservation. Thus, a great deal of his father's advice had been mistranslated through the lens of a child's selflessness. As he grew older, it became the case that he felt immense guilt if he allowed another person to come to harm, while he himself remained untouched. His father taught him to value the feelings of others.

_"P...partner..."_

For example:

_Yosuke dripped scarlet life onto the ground where he knelt, a monstrous figure casting darkness over his light, a line of silver connecting the two like a sharpened thread._

The strong do everything they can to protect those under their charge. His father, of course, meant this to instill a sense of value for the well-being of others, and to teach him that a good leader should recognize and put to use the abilities he may have that others may need. Souji, however, with the good intentions of a kind young boy and a heart in the right place, took it to mean that the best use for his life was the upholding of others'. He then held little value in his own.

_He had to heal him-no. He had to remove the threat. He needed...Melchiz-no, Kohryu._

His father taught him many lessons. He taught him that the strong are selfless. That they are sometimes emotional, but overall logical, and always appear to have all situations under control. Even if nothing is under control. They never lose their composure, nor their conviction. The strong are brave, valiant, and keep the tightest grasp on hope, for the sake of those who have lost it.

_"Sus...an...o..."_

And most of all,

_No time. There was no time. There was no_

The strong must not fail those who depend on them.

_"Yosuke!"_

* * *

"You don't have to keep looking like that."

Souji paused, hands still outstretched over Yosuke's bloodied shoulder, his pose exactly matching that of the Melchizedek who hovered in the air behind his back. Souji didn't ask, but his surprised and clueless stare was enough to prompt an answer.

"Like you're the one who cut me."

Yosuke's face was both gentle and stern. Souji's dropped it's expression altogether. He resumed his healing spell, intending not to answer. Yosuke sighed, exaggerating it into a groan.

"Seriously, dude? You think you can just not talk so people won't know something's up. But that just makes me  _know_ something's up."

Souji sighed, annoyance creeping up on him. His voice sulky, he muttered, "What should I say?"

His partner shrugged, then froze mid-motion with a sharp wince. "D-damn!"

"Don't move."

"Yeah thanks, good thinkin. My next plan was to do the macarena."

That would have made him laugh, except that moment saw the last of his spiritual power expended. No more spells. Souji released a caught breath and his arms fell as he slumped forward wearily. He just looked a bit winded, honestly, but Yosuke pieced it together from the sweat on his brow and the fact that Melchizedek had vanished before his job was done.

"Out of juice, huh?"

Souji pulled the slightest wince and his breathing seemed too fast. He pulled out the bag of supplies they always carried and produced a roll of gauze bandages. "Here...hold still..." His voice was gentle, but quieter than usual. Was that how it sounded when Souji was exhausted? It was barely perceivable at all.

Yosuke was glad, but he almost couldn't believe that he was fine. It was so soon after Nanako. She'd woken up again, which had brought Souji back from a dangerous ledge...but surely it didn't just all go away that easily. It still freaked Yosuke out, and he wasn't the kid's cousin. Well...brother. And now, this? Jiraiyah's absence was a void, a wound more grievous than the one Souji now struggled to heal. Was this Yosuke's fault? Had Jiraiyah abandoned him? ....Aw, hell no. That wasn't it. Because if that was it, he might as well jump. He didn't think it was Souji's leadership, either. No. Whatever happened to their Personas, he wasn't to blame. Considering what he had been through, he was doing his job and keeping it together almost too well. He'd seen him cracking. Asked the others to keep an eye on him. But Souji had gone quiet. They all watched him closely, and all they had seen was the return of that same stoic solidity he had borne when he first came to Inaba. Yosuke had worried what effects the Nanako ordeal may have had on him, but hadn't been able to see behind his now closed-off attitude. That in itself was disconcerting. However, it hadn't affected his performance as their leader. The stakes this time were higher than ever, the danger rising with them. Discovering it was Adachi, someone else close to his home life, had shaken Souji only enough to temper his determination into steel. He seemed as steady and decisive as always, just...more quiet.

Yosuke knew that, in the importance of their task, he had no right and no time to consider how lonely it felt to be left outside like that. How much he missed the unnamed, taciturn way of their conversations. How much he wished things had been allowed to keep looking up, rather than turn down this solemn road. He kept telling himself that it all would turn up again when this was over. When they finally took down the one responsible for it all, Souji would open back up. He was just doing what he had to in order to get the job done right now. That was also why the trips to this side had been frequent, long, and grueling. They needed to be prepared. They needed to go all out. Pull out the reservations. Give this one their all.

But, after this fiasco, he had no idea how much they all had left to give.

"Damn, dude..." Yosuke's brow furrowed sympathetically. "I don't know how you do it, running on empty like that. I'd be out for the count. I'm...glad we have you."

As he dutifully wrapped the half-healed sword wound, a few words escaped that he didn't intend to say. Maybe it was the exhaustion, or maybe it was the fact that it was Yosuke and no one else could hear. He didn't know. He didn't think before he said it.

"It's not enough."

"H...huh?" Yosuke was about to grill him on just what he meant by that, but Souji was already getting to his feet. He moved slowly, but other than that, he showed no sign that he was completely drained of stamina. "Hey-hold on," Yosuke reached toward him, but his shoulder still hurt like a bitch, so instead he flinched and cradled his arm to his chest.

Chie and Kanji had been tended to by Rise and Yukiko. Souji checked on them anyway.

"Thanks, Senpai," Kanji croaked, one arm wrapped around his sore ribcage, but with a grateful smile on his face. "That asshole really had me in a corner. I sure as hell owe ya one."

Souji couldn't nod to accept the thanks, and soon looked away, unable to meet his eyes for long. "Thank Naoto," he said, turning to their last member. He didn't want to imagine their situation without her, stepping up to battle the remaining shadows and cover their retreat. Naoto only shook her head graciously. "I'm afraid I wasn't much help as far as healing goes."

Souji grasped her shoulder on his way past. "Keep watch for us?"

"Of course."

Naoto headed to the door of the large chamber they had taken shelter in, taking Teddie with her as a second scout, but mostly to keep him out of the way. Souji turned his attention to Chie. She was seated in the corner and seemed absorbed in her own turmoil, staring out at nothing, her eyes seething. Yukiko was still trying to calm her when Souji approached, but moved out of the way for him to come through. She cast him a worried glance as she did. Chie didn't speak first, wouldn't even look at him, so he sat down beside her and waited.

"Where's Tomoe?" she finally asked, sullen and trembling.

Souji sighed, eyes on the swirling fog. "I don't know."

"It happened to Yosuke and Kanji, too. So why could you and Naoto still summon yours?! If you weren't there, we..."

When Chie finally looked at him, her tear-rimmed eyes made him flinch away.

"What the hell happened to us?!"

They all went silent. Souji's breathing slowed, steady and constant. She doesn't mean that. She means 'what happened to our Personas?'. She doesn't mean you. 

"Souji?"

"Hn?" His eyes snapped up, meeting Rise's wide and concerned ones.

"Are you alrig-"

"Yeah." He reached out and placed a hand on Chie's shoulder, avoiding the many shallow cuts criss-crossing her shoulders and torso. He provided a reassuring smile, and his voice lacked no conviction when he said, "We'll figure it out. Promise. We just need to regroup and talk it through. Find out the truth and solve it together. Like always."

That seemed to help her. She did her best to return the smile, swiping at her cheeks with her sleeve. "Yeah." She traced an angry red line that ran across her forehead and muttered, "Who knows. Maybe I'll get a badass battle-scar out of this one."

Yukiko groaned and added, "I don't think that's something you should be happy about..."

"Let's move. We can't stay here any more. Teddie?"

Teddie had been standing around looking entirely lost and helpless, but it took all of two seconds for him to perk up once his leader asked him to help. "O-oh! Right! Don't you worry, sensei; I'm on it!"

As Teddie led the way, Souji offered Chie a hand up, then Yukiko took her by the shoulders and helped her along. Souji got Kanji on his feet, who insisted he walk without help, and then Yosuke, who was more reasonable about accepting a steady hand. He was still pale and pretty shaky, so Souji kept a hand on his back and stayed ready to catch him if he looked like he might fall.

We all have moments of weakness. The strong take care of others when they have those moments, and get them back on their feet again.

"You know I'm gonna give you the third degree later."

Souji caught his arm as he listed sideways and nearly lost balance. "Sure. After we figure out your Personas."

"Yeah...that's probably a...priority."

He hung Yosuke's arm around his own neck to carry more of his weight. "You ok?"

"Nnooooo!" he whined, and Souji couldn't help but smile. Yosuke had that effect on people.

"Don't worry. I'll get you guys home."

Yosuke glanced his way, sadly and warily. "You're a good leader. A good friend."

As he too often did, Souji remained silent.

* * *

Kanji had no problem fabricating a cover story, and insisted he didn't need medical attention, but Souji insisted on walking him home. Chie's cuts weren't as easily explained, but they finally decided that she fell out of a tree while trying to help a stuck cat get down. Yukiko helped her home. Yosuke, though, was going to need a doctor at the least, but he figured he could get his parents to believe a story about falling off his bike onto a broken signpost. Or getting mugged. Something. Teddie went with him, promising to keep a very close eye on him as he helped him into a cab. Naoto wanted to go with Kanji, but Souji was able to persuade her to go to the hospital to check on Nanako and Dojima. He...really didn't know if he could save face around Nanako right now.

It was selfish and weak. He knew it was. He knew it made her sad when he didn't spend as much time with her, when he didn't come visit her, when he couldn't smile. He had tried so hard to make the thoughts stop. To look at her instead of her heart monitor. To tell her everything was alright and that she was safe now and she'd be fine. But until he caught this killer, that was not a promise he could make. He'd tried. He had fooled himself into thinking that he could protect her. She'd nearly died for that.

Thankfully, Naoto didn't ask him why he wouldn't go himself. She nodded and assured him she had it under control. Good god she was a saint. He'd have to tell her how much a help it was, how capable she was, handling so many things that took weight off his back.

When the rest of his friends had gone, Souji turned to Kanji, who was trying to be subtle about leaning against a bench for support.

"We can rest if you need to," Souji prompted, his voice drifting like smoke as he tried to mask his weariness. Kanji snorted derisively, straightening up with a cocky grin, and Souji's heart sank at the denial. He had... _really_  hoped Kanji would agree.

"Anyway," he laughed. "Let's get a move on. Ma's waitin."

Kanji started down the street, but paused when he glanced over his shoulder and saw the way Souji ran his hand along the back of the bench. When he ran out of bench he reached for the railing by the road. His footsteps landed in unsteady places.

Kanji stopped suddenly, staggering as he held his ribs. "Ah-fuck..hold up..."

Souji was at his shoulder in an instant. "Kanji?"

"On...second thought...maybe that ain't a bad idea."

Souji guided him back to the bench and eased him down, Kanji wincing with pain as he leaned back and groaned. Souji fell into the seat beside him, resting his elbows on his knees. As soon as he stopped moving, waves of weight seemed to wash over him, making his body feel ten times heavier. He controlled his breathing, locked his face into strained calm. He was tired.

Kanji groaned, tilting his head back. "Well...shit. Guess I still got a long way to go, huh."

Souji didn't have it in him to speak. His head felt light and foggy. The images of that last fight still flicked through his mind, and his body refused to let go of the tension they caused. It could have gone so wrong. Had he pushed them too far again? Could it have been overuse that cause their Personas to falter? But that had never happened before. They were all low on stamina by that point, though, which was undeniable. He didn't have that under control. They could have been hurt far worse. Any one of them could have ended up next door neighbors to Nanako. 

"Damn. This feels...shitty." 

Souji surprised himself with a laugh. "Sorry. It's not funny. Just...yeah. Accurate." 

Kanji returned with a grin. "Well? It does."

"You got hit pretty hard. I can heal the rest of everyone's injuries tomorrow." 

"No--well, yeah that sucks, but I was talking more about...losin' him."

"...I'm sorry." 

"Not your fault. Feels like...like it did before. Only now I know how wrong it is. Uncomfortable just sittin in my own skin. I dunno. It don't feel right." 

Yeah. He could only imagine how awful it would be to have your Persona's presence torn away like that. Yet, even with Izanagi, he still felt helpless. He needed answers. There was still so much they didn't know about Personas, the shadows, the other realm. About their opponent. Souji sighed, running a hand through his sweat-matted hair. When he forged his velvet room contract, Igor did tell him that things would be confusing. That it would take a lot to find the truth. Souji knew his role, and what he needed to contribute, and he knew he had that much to give. The strength to carry through it, even when the others thought they couldn't keep going. He took pride in that job, loved being that for them. He would use that to help them any way he could.

Eventually, Kanji broke the lapse. "Hey. What're ya thinkin?"

Souji shook his head. "I'm going to help you all get them back. I just need to find out why it happened. Then I'll know how to do it." 

"Yeah. Well, sure. But I meant..." Kanji scowled, grumbling to himself. "Listen I'm no good at this, man. Just don't...I dunno. Don't try to go lone wolf or some stupid shit. I used to do that. Never worked out. You say 'I' more than we these days. Don't go back on...y'know. What we've all made here, as a team." 

There was a long moment of quiet. Eventally, he murmured a soft, "Yeah." 

"Hey...maybe we should get a move on. Ma's gonna be waitin for me...and. Hey. You gotta get home too, man. Ya look like a beat horse."

Souji nodded once, his brain as hazy as his eyes. Kanji tried to stand, grimacing with pain, and that gave Souji enough incentive to get up. He helped his friend to his feet, and they both started the short walk to his house. It was easier to move once he got going, but the effects of the long night ending with the disaster of that last fight had taken up all his strength. Souji had never been so glad to see the textile shop in his life. Kanji thanked him briefly with a heavy clap on the shoulder. "Thanks, leader. I owe ya one more."

Souji nodded, muttered a word of goodnight.

"Ay, Souji. Uh...y'know all that stuff I unloaded on ya the other day...about...y'know my dad? Just...I guess, sorry for whatever I did to mess things up today. Losing track of my Persona...maybe it's because...I dunno. I'm trying to be strong, like he wanted. But I'm not."

Souji turned back around. "You said you don't know what that means."

Kanji shrugged. "Yeah. Not yet. But I got a feelin...if I keep watching you, I'll figure it out." With a wry, but subdued smile, Kanji disappeared into the textile shop, leaving Souji alone in the street as twilight took hold. He swayed on his feet, caught himself on a light post. He had to go home now. On his own. He ran a hand over his eyes, willing his feet to move. Thinking about anything Kanji or the others had said, or trying to work out what went wrong today, would only use up his energy. Right now, he just...had to go home.

* * *

The instant the door closed behind him, his legs gave out. He collapsed against the door and sat down too hard, head thrown back and exhaustion twisting his face into a grimace. His breath came deep and ragged. God. Hell. What was that? Why now, why right now?! They couldn't afford this...there was no _time_ for this.

He wouldn't be able to function if he lost his, too.

"Izanagi," he croaked, and his Persona's presence washed over him. Though he didn't physically appear, Souji could feel him within his spirit. Still there. The strong, steady presence calmed his racing heart. 

He pulled out his phone, almost pleading to see texts. He did. One from Yukiko; Chie was fine. One from Naoto; Nanako was asleep and Dojima was a little better. Nothing From Teddie or Yosuke. Not good... Yosuke would have updated him if he could. Souji shot off a text, had to retype it and check it for typos twice.

 _'You ok? Did you have to go to the hospital? Let me know if you need anything.'_ Maybe it sounded clingy, but he didn't stop himself from adding,  _'Please. Kind of really worried.'_

Nothing. He texted Teddie; more nothing. He sat in the doorway for ten minutes of throbbing silence, vaguely responding to check-in texts from the others, and was on the edge of calling a cab to take him to Yosuke's place when his phone finally buzzed with a response from him.

_'Sorry, buddy, was explaining things to the folks. Luckily they're not the brightest. I'm fine. It wasn't as bad as we thought, but they still took me to the hospital. No stitches and no overnight stay, just bandaging it up. I'll be home in a couple hours.'_

Souji lowered the phone and his body went slack. Okay. That would have to be alright for now. He could worry about the rest of it in the morning. Right now, all that he was responsible for was getting to sleep. The next few hours belonged only to him. Not to any shadows or murderers or Personas. The only way he was going to get any sleep was to forget everything outside of the present moment.

He didn't have the energy to eat, but dragged himself upstairs to his room. His body crumbled into bed with barely enough time to get his clothes off before he stopped remembering things.

Despite his exhaustion, he didn't rest well. The night drilled him with dreams of Izanagi vanishing into yellow fog. He watched his friends fighting on their own, abandoned by their Personas, screaming for an absent leader as they faltered and succumbed. His loved ones broken and tossed like discarded dolls into in hospital beds. Nanako asking nurses where her brother was. Why isn't he here. Why did he stop loving me. The world itself crumbling to primality and smoke, shadows like ink stains overtaking screaming victims. There was a high-pitched and continuous tone underlying the entire wicked series of visions. The flatline grew louder and louder until he saw himself screaming at a snow-filled sky.

Igor made no appearance. No guidance would come from the Velvet Room. In the cold haze of his nightmares he wondered if he had been shut out. His name stricken from the guest list. His key to the door withdrawn. Why...? What had he done wrong? He'd resolved to give everything he had. They had all come so far. All so strong in their convictions. He had grown so happy and secure in his friendships, so proud of everyone. Nanako had come back; it was a miracle. A miracle. It was all going to be alright after that, as long as he stayed strong. Where had he failed? What had sent them into this spiral? Why now, when it mattered so much, when they were so close to the truth? When the fates of worlds hung suspended over lightness chasms?

What had he...done...

The dream was broken by the ringtone on his phone. Souji latched onto the waking world and dragged himself awake. Dust motes floated in sunlight tinted grey by the heavy curtains that ran across the wide windows. His first bleary view was of stacked boxes he had never bothered to unpack reaching toward a low ceiling. There was an ache woven into him, deep, emblazoned upon every bone. His headache didn't throb, but rather seemed to vibrate. His ears felt full of sand.

The only thing that made him move at all was desperation to make the noise stop. He clawed for his phone and opened its light assaulted his eyes, telling him that Dojima was calling.

He didn't know why, but that sent bolts of anxiety arcing through his chest. He let his heart beat for a moment before shaky fingers tapped the answer button. "...Hello?"

"Souji. Hey. Just checking in. Didn't hear from you yesterday, but your junior detective friend said something happened with Kanji?"

"Oh...yeah. I'm sorry. I meant to come by after, but it was really late. He's fine though."

"Hn. That right." There was a pause. "You sound tired, kid."

"How are you and Nanako?"

Dojima cleared his throat grumpily. "She's still just the same. She isn't awake for very long or very often, so don't worry about being here every night. She'll just be asleep most of the time. You know I'll call you the instant something changes."

Souji closed his eyes and released a shaky breath. "Yeah. I'm...sorry."

"Ah, come on. Cut that out. The last thing she'd want is you beating yourself up. And..y'know. The same goes for me."

His grip tightened and he rolled over, curling in on his aching chest. "Thanks, uncle."

"Uh. No problem...Hey, kid?"

"Do you guys need me to bring anything?"

"Huh? Oh, no, we're good for now."

"Okay. Just let me know if you do. I'll call you soon."

"Ah... Sure. Take care of yourself, Souji. Make sure you're getting three meals, sleeping well, all that stuff. Got it?"

"I will. Thanks. See you guys later."

He snapped the phone shut and tossed it somewhere. Burying his face in his futon, he tried not to think of what he knew he was about to remember, because the instant he did, he wouldn't be able to pretend it was a dream. But there it was. He remembered yesterday, and now it was his problem again. Now he didn't have any more time to rest. Now the stress resumed its place, nestled like a thorn in between his lungs.

Oh. He had texted Yosuke.

Souji snatched back his phone and opened their conversation. He didn't remember sending half of what was there. Damn. Damn, those were not things he should have said.

_'... I'll be home in a couple of hours.'_

_'Thank God, man.'_

_'Heh. Yeah. It's cool though. Sorry if I worried you.'_

_'No. Not your fault.'_

_'Hey, it's nobody's fault.'_

_'Ok.'_

_'Hey man...I mean it. Nobody could have known that would happen. It was like a freak accident.'_

_'Yeah, but. I mean. I should have known what to do.'_

_'Dude, come on. It was crazy. It's not something we should have ever had to plan for. Do you take an umbrella on a sunny day? It was completely out of left field for every one of us.'_

_'Not about planning. It's about thinking fast when the unexpected happens.'_

_'Souji. Don't do that to yourself.'_

_'I'm not doing anything to myself. You told me I was a good leader. Don't worry. I'm going to be.'_

_'Listen. If you ever, you know, need to talk about anything...' 'I mean. I'm just sayin. We're here for you too.' 'Buddy?' 'Are you sleeping or ignoring me?' 'Dammit, Souji.'_

After that, he'd apparently stopped responding, although Yosuke kept asking him to. That must have been about the time he passed out. Souji dropped the phone to press his palms into his eyes, rubbing his face with a groan. Good going. Why was he like this?

As he allowed himself a few more moments of rest, the responsibilities he knew he would have to carry alighted on him like invisible, heavy birds. He needed to get them all together to figure out the glaring problem of Personas gone missing. He'd never heard from Igor, but maybe he could enter the Velvet Room of his own accord and get some answers. If all else failed...he could try speaking with Izanagi. He really did want to wait until all else failed, though. It was an exhausting process to communicate with one's Persona, and it had to be done in the other world. With so many of them lacking their main means of protection, they would be incredibly vulnerable. In fact, he wasn't sure he wanted to take anyone without a Persona into the fog. No. The risk was too great, and he'd already proven that he couldn't protect them all.

He tried his best not to fall down that slippery line of thought. It would only end with him imagining again all the ways in which his friends might end up dead. Nanako...what happened to her had made the danger real. It made this deadly. It made him look down at his hands and see precious lives there.

_The strong do not run from their responsibilities. They face hardships head on._

The phone buzzed again. Naoto. 'I'd like to speak with you.'

Seemed like his time was up. He knew as soon as he devoted himself to this task, it would spread like a fever and consume his every thought. He already wanted the issue to be resolved. He needed this to be fixed. They all did. He exhaled a long, weary breath and rolled himself out of his futon. Wandering toward his closet, he drafted a text to the group chat. _'We need to meet and talk about yesterday. Junes at 12?'_ Souji glanced at the time and winced; it was 10 already. He erased that; replaced the 12 with 1. Within minutes they had all responded. Everyone was in. Strangely, Naoto was the last to reply.

Ok. He had two hours to get ready. And to figure out anything he could about what could have caused this on his own. He spent the morning routine in a distracted haze, absorbed in recalling everything he knew about Personas and the other world. The recollections and theories sparred in his head, possibilities flitting through in swarms. He ended up washing his hair twice, brushing his teeth without toothpaste, and dropping already buttered bread into the toaster. His coffee, though, was perfect. Dojima had taught him well.

For a moment, the sight of his mug on the table by itself, its hot steam drifting toward his face like a caressing hand, dampened the noise of his stampeding thoughts. His eyes trailed upward and throughout the empty Dojima house. The TV sat black and silent, the center table clear, a crumpled blanket on the couch the only sign of its use. No dishes from breakfast cluttered the table, no cotton-dry clothes billowed on the line outside. Even the sunlight seemed diluted and empty as it shone through the windowed back doors.

Was this the view Nanako had seen every morning before Souji started living here? Overbearingly empty, offering nothing but the potential for warm memories if only it were filled. The husk of a family. Was this the stifling loneliness that Dojima ran from, rather spending his time at work than in this vacant space which only reminded him of the presence it lacked?

Souji's heart sank as he placed his empty mug in the sink, next to Dojima's and Nanako's...and Adachi's.

Was this the kind of isolation Adachi had lived in for his entire life?

If anyone had a reason for their conviction to waver, if anyone held the possibility of self doubt in this mission, it should have been Souji. Because Adachi was the second side of a coin that his own face was etched into. And because he had never wanted to have any conflict with the man. Adachi was a welcome presence in the Dojima house. Souji had never wanted to replace anyone. Or to save anyone.

He hadn't wanted anything, until he got here. Until he'd met these people. Found a family. Well, it wasn't quite like he didn't have one to begin with. Souji did love his parents. His mother was kind and his father wise. They did a lot for him, but they never seemed to delve too deep. They both worked very hard and were away often, provided for physical needs and the basics of emotional, but were not overly involved. His father, especially, was the type to give his son materials with which he could view the world, but did not tell him how to do so. They didn't ask many questions other than the most basic ones about how he was doing. He was on his own very often, left to do what he thought he should with the lessons he'd been given. The only direction he received was correction when he turned wrong.

Adachi was on his own like that, too, all his life. But the view that he had crafted of the world was a much darker one. One which Souji had tried his hardest not to fall into. Rather than to come to the conclusion that life's ennui warranted destruction, Souji had gradually faded into a state of...nothing, really. He didn't feel it, but he had become sort of suspended. Waiting. He had friends, but, like his parents, he always kept those he cared for at a defined distance. His father had said that honorable people did not interfere with others' business any more than is necessary to be helpful. It wasn't a cruel indifference, but a subtle detachment, wherein he was never too involved with anyone. Nor they with him. This was what he thought it was to love others, and in turn be loved. He didn't think he was missing anything. He knew of nothing that there was to miss.

Inaba had electrocuted his inert heart.

But Adachi had never found that, and stopped searching. Adachi was a phenomenal actor, because it wasn't  _all_  an act. He half knew what he was missing out on, and could never get it. He could never grasp the concept of a true family, only that he wanted it. But he was convinced that he knew exactly what it was and that it was false, that it would never really exist. That was only the beginning of his descent. To be honest...Souji still didn't know exactly what this transcendent idea of "true family" meant. The notion may just be a false construct, prone to collapse upon inspection. It may all be a fabricated social web made by those who are afraid to be alone. But he knew that, even if that were the case, it still held more meaning than anything he had ever known.

He knew that Adachi's answer was not one that Souji himself could believe in.

* * *

The coffee buzzed through his system and sped up his sluggish mind and body. He probably hadn't eaten enough to counter it, but he really only needed the caffeine. By the time he got to June's to find Chie, Yosuke, and Teddie waiting for him, he had sorted through a hundred theories and discounted all but a few. He made sure he wore a smile as he waved good morning and took a seat.

"Mornin," Chie half-yawned, prompting a snort of laughter from Yosuke.

"It's afternoon now, dingus."

"Morning is when you wake up."

"Whatever you say."

Souji muttered with a slight grin, "Don't try to argue. She'll make you buy her steak."

"Wha-that's right! I'm sure you owe me for  _some_ thing."

Yosuke's laugh brightened a great deal at hearing a bit of the old Souji. Normal Souji. Not battle-mode Souji.

But the smile faded little by little as he kept giving Yosuke the side eye, staring down the condition of his shoulder. He could see tape and gauze peeking out of the collar of his shirt and a sling hung around his neck, but he wasn't using it. He kept his arm stiff and immobile on the table. Chie had a bandage on her forehead and one on her neck, but the rest must have been under her jacket. From they way they acted he could tell they weren't quite at 100%, but that they were far better than he'd hoped for. When they both caught him staring, they shied away.

"How are you guys?" he finally asked, though he could already mostly tell from their looks and actions. It was best to ask.

"Hey, don't worry about me!" Chie chimed, standing up to prove it with a strong, action movie pose and a cocky grin. "A couple of ratty little birds can't keep me down!"

He smiled with a quiet hum of agreement, then turned to Yosuke. "What about you?"

"Me? Ah, fine. It wasn't very deep, maybe a few inches. You did most of the healing, honestly. Thanks for getting to it so quick."

Souji didn't show it, but for some reason the gratitude didn't sit naturally. It was out of place and almost inserted deliberately. He thought back to the texts he had sent in his state of near delirium. That must be why.

Teddie, with a far more subdued attitude than he usually kept, traced circles on the table. "It was a little scary though. They took Yosuke to the hospital and left me at home. All by myself! They said I'd be in the way. They looked kinda mad..."

Yosuke was quick to cover, waving it off since he couldn't shrug. "Eh, nah, they're just like that. They're pretty cool folks, they just usually leave me alone and have to trust me with that, so they get kinda stressed when I do stuff that causes problems."

Souji produced a quiet, curious sound. The way he described his parents sounded a lot like Souji's. Only more abrasive. Souji's parents didn't often get angry with him, but it seemed like Yosuke's just didn't want him to bother them. But there was probably more good to it than that. He just didn't talk about them much.

"Anyway, it doesn't hurt unless I use it a bunch. I'm sure we can fix the rest with a few Dias."

Chie groaned with relief. "Yeah, I wanna get rid of these damn scratches. Bandaids are itchy."

Souji nodded again. "Yeah. We'll take care of everyone's injuries first thing when we head in."

"We headin in today?" Maybe he imagined it, but there might have been the slightest bit of trepidation in Yosuke's voice.

"To heal up at least. I'm hoping we won't have to do anything else. I don't want you guys to be over there without your Personas for long. Definitely don't fight anything."

"Huh?" Chie perked up. "What else would we do if we're not gonna go further in?"

Souji was quiet for a minute, eyes closed, fingers linked together in front of his forehead. "Let's wait for everyone to get here."

The others exchanged looks which he didn't see. Teddie opened his mouth, but was quickly cut off by Chie's over-eager shout. "Hey! Yukiko's here!"

The fourth member gave everyone a warm greeting and asked after their conditions. Souji allowed himself to space out while they talked. He hadn't had enough time to sort through his thoughts. Wasted a lot of that time thinking about Adachi. That was relevant as far as the end goal, but he didn't think it would help a whole lot in figuring out their Persona situation. Well, actually, it might help if he knew more about what Adachi was capable of. What should he focus on though? There was too much he didn't know. This was...too much. Ok, no. It's fine. He couldn't allow himself to be distracted by the stress; he needed to look at the facts.

Most of what he knew about Personas came from having one. His experience was different than everyone else's. He hadn't faced a shadow of himself to get it. It had been awakened by nothing more than his own...his own will. He didn't have to face truths that he had been in denial about. It made sense, really, because he didn't have a whole lot to be in denial about beforehand. It was his awakening to truth, rather than a deconstruction of lies-which was the way all the others were granted their Personas.

The difference, though, couldn't be the reason he still held his Personas and they didn't. It couldn't be what Igor called the Wild Card either. Because Naoto still had hers. He needed to know who else did.

"Guys," he spoke up suddenly, opening his eyes. "Who still has access to their Personas?"

Wait. When did Kanji get here? "H-hey, Kanji. Are you ok?"

Kanji chuckled derisively, holding up a thumb. "Don't worry bout it."

"I do," a low voice answered the hanging question, announcing Naoto's arrival.

"Oh, me, sensei!" Teddie did? Teddie's Persona was a singular case as well, though the method he got it was the same. Facing his shadow...but then, could a shadow have a shadow? Who else would that creature have been?

"I do," Yukikio added almost apologetically.

Why them? It seemed entirely random. Maybe it was some sort of anomaly of the world they were in. The place Adachi's twisted passion had given birth to was unlike any areas they had gone through before. He also knew that Adachi was no doubt the strongest of their opponents. But if it was his doing...he would have said something to them. A taunt, a lesson he thought they should learn, what he thought was wisdom that they were too stupid to understand. He would have either cut off Souji's persona, or cut off everyone's except for his.

"Man..." Yosuke groaned. "I hate not havin Jiraiyah around. Sucks. It feels...I dunno. It sucks.

"Yeah..." Rise. She was here too. He hadn't noticed them all arrive, or even heard them talking until now. Usually he was so perceptive, especially regarding his team. "I tried all last night to sense Himiko. I thought I could kinda feel her wanting to get to me, but, maybe I was just imagining that. I never felt her presence."

Even when not on the other side of the screen, they could feel the existence of their Personas within themselves. It was a huge comfort, knowing what they'd done to obtain that peace of self. He cast a sympathetic glance toward Yosuke, Chie, Kanji, and Rise. He could only imagine how empty it must feel to go back to not having them there.

_The strong know when to set emotion aside in order to think clearly._

Souji shook those thoughts away and steered his overloaded train of thought back to the task at hand. "Alright. Let's look at what we know about Personas."

"They're our other selves," Yosuke began. "They're the truths about us which we've accepted in order to turn them into strengths we can use. Like...a facet of ourselves that we use to influence the world we come into contact with."

"We get them by facing the parts of ourselves we tried to deny. Admitting they're a part of us is what it takes to command them." Yukiko added.

Naoto jumped in, "But would it be possible to lose that command? Perhaps if the conditions of forging the contract were no longer met?"

"What d'ya mean?" Kanji leaned forward in his seat. "Like, if the way we were when we met em changed? It shouldn't work like that, man. That'd be bullshit."

"Maybe. But what would you, Rise, Yosuke, and Chie have in common that has changed within your inner selves?"

"Too broad," Souji cut in. "Relationships with Personas are too different for each person. We should focus on the one thing every Persona responds to."

"Yeah, but...what is that? Facing the truth about yourself?" Chie guessed.

Yosuke hummed in thought, running a hand down his face. "Mm, I dunno...that could be it, except that's not how it was for Souji. When you awakened to Izanagi, you didn't have to face any shadow version of yourself. You did it to make sure my ass wasn't grass." Yosuke tacked on a wry grin. "Thanks for that one, by the way."

More forced praise. He twitched with discomfort, let it go instantly. He was the outlier, the break in the pattern. Why didn't he know more about the Wild Card? About himself? He might need to talk to Igor after all.

Naoto shook her head with a clipped sigh. "What bothers me most about this line of theory is the timing. If it were a case of attitude change being the reason your Personas vanished, then why did it happen all at once? What was so different about that particular battle? It just...doesn't add up. Was it perhaps a work of Adachi?"

Souji's leg bounced up and down beneath the table and didn't seem to care if he wanted it to stop. He grunted negatively. "Adachi would have shut everyone's off if it was him."

"Maybe he doesn't have that kind of power," Rise suggested. "Maybe he just tried to target as many of us as possible and couldn't get us all."

"But why wouldn't he say something? Brag? He seems like he wants us to get to him. So he can win. Prove something..." Souji trailed off, as did the discourse, as everyone took a minute to think.

He needed to consider the Velvet Room.

He hadn't told the others about Igor. He didn't have specific instructions not to, but still, he felt it would be wrong. He'd entered a contract. He knew that Igor was a secretive...being. The Velvet Room was part of a much higher order of fates. It felt disrespectful to unearth its unseen influence. He didn't want to give too much about Igor or Margaret away if he could help it. Plus, to anyone who hadn't seen it for themselves, it sounded ridiculous. They may not all believe him.

"Partner?" Souji snapped to attention to find the whole table looking at him. "Heh, you look like you're on another planet. You got an idea or somethin?"

"Mm." He straightened up, leaning forward with his elbows on the table. "I'm thinking of doing some research."

"What?" Kanji sneered. "The hell's he talkin about?"

Naoto, however, was very interested. "Do you have some kind of source of information about that world?"

He stared at the table with glass eyes, until they wondered if he was going to say anything at all. Finally, he shook his head. "No. My uncle knew Adachi very well. I might be able to learn more about him and how strong he might be. Or what kind of place he's created over there. And...if not..." He shouldn't lie to them. He really shouldn't. They operated on shared truths. They all sought the truth. "I. Might be able to ask Izanagi."

That sent a hush over the table. They'd all had this discussion before, when Nanako was missing. The times were desperate then, but thankfully, they had discovered the identity of her kidnapper before having to resort to this. He warned them highly against it, and they had all agreed to make a rule. No one should try it alone or without consent from the group, and not unless it was absolutely necessary. Souji had asked Igor about speaking to one's Persona once before, but the cryptic man had only a few words of caution to speak on the matter:

_"I cannot say what may happen in that event, should you be successful. I can only tell you to take great care. The power of your inner self is under your command by the grace of self-assurance, but if your mind were to waver, your bond with your Persona may go awry. You may even lose your sense of self within the discourse, and part of you may be forever cast into the other world. Take care that you do not let your heart be lost to uncertainty."_

If any situation was born of uncertainty, it was this one. They walked a careful balance between mystery and confidence in fact. Souji rested his face in his hands and released a sigh, before he realized what he was doing. He straightened back up and made eye contact with the group. "I don't want to try it unless we have no choice. It's dangerous. If you speak with your Persona without a completely clear mind, you could lose your senses. And summoning him for a reason like this, one of self-doubt, could also impair my link with Izanagi or the others. That's not something we can't afford right now." He really would be useless, then. His chest tightened with the fear of losing that presence within, that knowledge that he was in control of his true soul. No. He couldn't allow that to happen.

_The strong do not take unnecessary risks if they can avoid it._

"Hey..." Chie muttered, staring at her clasped fists on the table. "We'll be able to get them back, right...?" It didn't take a close look to realize she was crying. Yukiko reached out and held her hand.

Souji instantly felt knots forming in his stomach. He looked at each of the others and saw the same fear and loss in their faces. To lose one's Persona was one of the most awful feelings he could imagine. He had to stop it happening to them. "Yes," he announced, standing up tall with firm eyes. "I have one more thing I can try first. Just bear with me. I promise...I swear to you all. I'll do anything I can to get them back to you."

_The strong put the needs of those they love before their own._

* * *

Amid the fog and distant echoes of crawling threats, the doorway stood ready for him. He had done his part in healing his friends, and then delegated the last bits to those who could take over. They all knew that, since he had multiple Personas, he sometimes had to take a few moments of quiet to view and order them. When he entered the Velvet Room, his body appeared to be in a state of meditation. His friends were all under the impression that he was simply deep in thought. It had become commonplace after so many journeys to this world.

"I have to sort through my Personas. Everyone watch out for each other," he told them, and left the group guarded by those whose Personas remained. Before the ephemeral door, he hesitated, mind buzzing with uncertainty. He couldn't take too long... He wasn't sure if they could bring him back from the Velvet Room if something happened over here. If they were ambushed, he couldn't protect them. But he had to find answers, or they may never regain their Personas. May never be able to stand against Adachi, to put an end to the nightmare that threatened the lives of anyone he cared for. Of everyone on Earth. Visions of their blood flashed through his mind.

The world was on his back.

He shook his suddenly dizzy head and chanced a deep breath. He couldn't let this happen to him. He needed to be stable. Souji grasped all the determination he had and opened the Velvet Room door. He would find answers. No matter what it took.

As always, the light faded from white to blue and the scene of a limousine's interior speared with the clearing of the haze. "Welcome. To the Velvet Room."

Souji bowed his head briefly in greeting, as he always did. He was about to offer as much to Margaret, but her seat was empty. She had gone.

"Ah...my dear guest. I am afraid there has been a serious miscalculation."

Souji's concerns about Margaret vanished, because that sounded a whole lot like he was about to mention the disappearance of his friends' Personas.

Instead, Igor said, "Please forgive the absence of my assistant. She is undertaking the task of correcting a grievous imbalance. An anomaly has occurred amid the forces of these worlds."

"What...forces?" he asked, trying to ignore the suddenly urgent spikes of fear that shot through his chest.

"I wonder."

Annoying. Did he really not know? Half the time he wondered if Igor was holding back information for some reason. Whatever reason it was, it wasn't good enough.

Souji decided to be as direct as possible. "Some of my friends have lost the ability to summon their Personas. Why?"

Igor steepled his spider leg fingers in front of his eyes. Why did it always look like he was grinning? "A powerful deceiver has been joined by new entities which have clouded the minds of your bonded companions."

A...who? No. He needed to focus on the questions that were most pressing. He didn't have time to ask about any great "deceivers." His friends were waiting. They were vulnerable and he was not with them. They would start to suspect something.

"Igor, I need to know. Why did this happen? How do we get them back?"

Igor's eyes slowly opened. He could sense traces of foreboding in his stare, and his gut seized with fear at the thought that he might have offended him. "I'm sorry. Please, tell me what you know. Please...guide me."

It was a quiet, aching moment in which he waited for a reply. Igor breathed a long sigh and shook his head, folding his hands on his lap. "Your bonds have become faded, I'm afraid. Your friends are not the same people who forged their contracts."

Souji shook his head, lost. "I don't understand...but, they didn't do anything wrong..."

"Perhaps. People grow as they progress through this life, but it would not ordinarily be possible to lose one's awakening once it has occurred. However, as I have said, new entities facing against you have opened doors to new possibilities. It may be that your companions have placed their faith not in the power of their inner selves, but in a leader."

His heart throbbed uneven and loud. He could hear each breath like a shaky rush in his ears.

"A leader who is not all that they think."

"What..." he breathed, finding his lungs too easily emptied.

His head swam dizzyingly. No. He couldn't be the cause of this. It couldn't be his fault, not all of it. Maybe these new entities? But they should have been safe in their own souls. He had only tried to be the leader they needed...he had given everything. He'd done everything he was supposed to. He devoted his life.

"You. You can't be serious." His fingers cracked into a fist held against his chest, eyes stinging as he forgot to blink, and all lessons of strength abandoned his vortex mind. It was not enough. Too much. Never enough.

Igor tilted his head down, leaning forward in his seat. For once, his toothy mouth did not appear to be smiling. "The fog of falsehood threatens you as well. Can you not feel the Compendium thinning? You have already lost access to some of your Personas."

"What?!" No...he couldn't...no! Souji dove into his mind, searching frantically through his Personas. It couldn't be right...no! Where were they?! He had lost Nebiros. Barong. And there, right in front of his mind's eye, Thor faded away. He tore himself from the introspection and felt his body lunge forward, as if bursting from a pool of water, choking on the words that ripped from his throat. "We...we can't  _afford_  that!"

He had never shouted at Igor. He was half afraid and yet completely bewildered. This wasn't like him. He couldn't just lose it like this. He had to  _think_.

The old man, though, remained silent. He stared at Souji with a gaze not borne of anger, rather of grave resignation. It almost seemed despondent. Souji...was a disappointment. He'd been a chosen guest. He'd entered a contract. He was losing power, losing Personas. Izanagi...would he...?

"Igor, I-"

"Wait."

From somewhere he hadn't seen, a flash of blue fluttered into view and past his head. A butterfly, so brightly colored it almost glowed. It danced across the air to alight on Igor's outstretched finger, whereupon he took the creature close to his face and cupped a gentle hand around it. Whispers beyond the grasp of voice floated through the Velvet Room, and Igor's eyes became gradually piercing.

As the Delphic echoes of unknown words faded, the butterfly did as well, into a glow of light that was soon extinguished. Igor was no longer looking at Souji. His gaze was far off.

"My deepest apologies, but an urgent matter requires that you come back another time."

No...no, he couldn't leave yet. He didn't have anything to help the tiers, he had no idea what to do yet. "Please," he nearly begged, voice strained as his vision began to go white. "Please don't, Igor. I need answers."

"Take care, my distinguished guest, to always seek the truth. Do not let your hearts fall to new illusion."

The room was fading. Igor's eyes were closing. He was falling away. "Igor!" he tried to move, but he couldn't feel his body. He didn't know if his voice was even a real sound anymore. "Please! They...they're counting on me!"

All sight and sound ceased. For a moment he couldn't even think, couldn't exist. Then a wavering, distorted voice forced its way into his ears. "Souji!"

A hand on his shoulder became the rope he climbed back to reality. Souji's eyes flew open, a gasp escaping his clenched throat. He was back in the shadow world, standing in the center of a very concerned circle of friends. Yosuke was in front of him, Chie right at his side.

"Hey, you with us? Partner?"

Souji reached up and rubbed his eyes with a thumb and forefinger. His head was still reeling. He didn't know what to say. He shouldn't lie to them. He. Shouldn't...

"Guys..." He saw each of their faces, worried, scared, doubting...and he couldn't take it. They had to believe in him. He couldn't take it if they stopped. He could see it in their eyes. They were starting to think he was weakening.  _A leader who is not all that they think._  He had to do something to take those feelings away from them. To give them hope, conviction again. They couldn't fight this final war without it.

They would all die if they thought he was weak.

"It's fine. I just..." But he also needed to explain himself. And he had  _nothing_. The only news he had gotten was that things were worse off than they already knew. He. He had to tell them something. Anything.

"Did you lose any of your Personas?"

He looked to Naoto, and could tell from her crestfallen eyes that she almost believed her suspicions. Souji opened a silent mouth, begging his brain to come up with something, to make a decision. They needed him. They needed him to be strong. He would be.

Souji closed his eyes. When he opened them again, they were unwavering and firm. "No."

_Sometimes, in order to lead without hindrance, the strong must hide things from the people they protect.  
_


End file.
